“The Dark Room”
by magical-me14
Summary: PLEASEEE READ:ppl find out that snape's a porno movie star,ron gets with hermione,harry hits on draco,twins back to school,its hi-larious,not good with summeries but please READ and REVIEW!PLEASEEEE!im begging you
1. Default Chapter

Author Disclaimer: This does not belong to me. The idea aint mine. So just so we are on the same page here.ok sorry to slow you down. Go on and read.  
  
The characters in this story are VERY LOOSELY based on my friends Harry: Is Jaimy Ron: Is Maira Hermione: Is Sia Draco: is MEEEEEEEE (I am a girl, and I am not gay and neither is Jaimy, the characters are just LOOSLY based on us and our life stories.)  
"The Dark Room"  
  
Chapter 1: Blinkety Blink  
  
It was a cold breezy September morning, which wasn't normal. Make's you think what happened to Global Warming. Well anyways, on with my story. My name is Harry Potter, yes that's right the famous boy with the scar.STOP STARING, didn't your mama teach you that its rude to stare?!?! OK, so anyways this is my story and you are bound to read it sooner or later MUWAHAHAHAHAHA*cough*. I was extremely happy, for it was the first day of school. I was gonna meet Hermione and Ron at the station, and most importantly I was gonna see that sexy beast Draco again. I seriously don't know what's wrong with me, for the past 5 years I hated Draco, but now every time I see him my insides go all crazy, like butterflies tying to escape and whatnot. It's like last year when I had detention with Dolores and she gave me that erotic pen to write lines with. It hurt but it was different, it wasn't like I cut myself or whatnot but it was making me horny. So when she touched my hand I got that weird feeling, the same feeling I get when I see Draco. So anyways, now you know how I feel. My uncle drove Sirius and me to the station, he wouldn't have but he was scared of Sirius, for he was the one who was most wanted 3 years ago. (A/N Sirius is my fave character and I was sooooo sad when he died so in all my stories he will be alive, AND cleared of all charges, and I do give a damn if you don't like it, THAT'S RIGHT I DID SAY DO!) You see, Sirius lives with me at Private Drive because he wants to give pay back to the Dursley's for being so mean to me. Thank God we are moving away from Private Drive soon though. I'm not sayin' that it wasn't fun, it was very much indeed but I wanna live with Sirius in the Magical World, I told him bout 50 times by now but he wouldn't hear it. "PAY BACK! PAY BACK and more PAY BACK!!!!" he would say. I just had to give up, but he promised me that we would move after I finish my sixth year, yay! We got to the station and went looking for the Weasley's and Hermione, leaving Uncle Vernon in the car waiting for Sirius. Finally I spot the red heads. "Hey Ron" said I.  
  
"Yo Harry!" Ron responded  
  
"What's with the "Yo"?" I asked.  
  
"Oh I heard some Canadian guy saying it so I though, you know, that it was cool, I mean Canadian's are the coolest people you know." answered Ron.  
  
"You are right, Canadians rule, anyways, hi Hermione." I said.  
  
"Hullo Harry." said Hermione as she hugged me, "How are you? I haven't seen you in ages."  
  
"Hello Sirius" said Mrs.Weasley, "Your hair is a mess, you're acting like Bill, let me cut it, it would look so much better short."  
  
" Mom's been trying to cut everyone's hair all summer. She cut Ginny's hair while she was sleeping, and of course knowing Ginny she thought it was Fred and George, so she um..what's the word I'm searching for here...yes, she did the "UNSPEAKABLE THING" * da da nam dam *, we do not talk about it but she weaseled out of it because it was mom's fault . Fred and George are furies with mom, think she planed it all. It happened right after mom found out that Fred slept with Angelina, and that George slept with Alicia." Ron said. "Oh and the twins are coming back to school with us since their girlfriends are there." Ron added in a mock tone.  
  
"Messed up family." I muttered to myself.  
  
"What was that?" asked Ron  
  
"Nothing, I was just wondering how Fred's and George's joke shop was going." I responded quickly.  
  
"Oh, it's doing great. Dad's in charge now. Fred bought a computer and Dad insisted that he should take it apart, Fred didn't let him of course, but he told Dad that he would buy him a special computer to take apart if he just took care of the shop."  
  
We boarded the train after saying good bye to those staying. It was a long ride. While Ron and Hermione were walking 'round the train checking the compartments, I was stuck with Loony Luna and Neville who were acting all weird, going to the loo every 5 min. At first I thought they both ate something bad, but when I asked them if they wanted to take a diarrhea pill, they said that it was OK, that they didn't have diarrhea.  
  
When Hermione returned to the compartment she looked absolutely stunned.  
  
"What's wrong Hermione?" I asked  
  
"Um.nothing. Everything's fine. Perfect. Couldn't be better." she said, quite shakily.  
  
"Are you sure that you're OK?" I asked.  
  
"Oh Harry! I can't lie to you. There's something terribly wrong. While I was checking the compartments I saw Fred doing it with Angelina." she finished in a hurry.  
  
"Whoa.. way too much info over here." I had said, startled.  
  
The conversation ended there coz Ron stumbled into the compartment. He looked stunned too.  
  
"What's wrong?" I asked.  
  
"Hermione, this is kinda private, boy talk, so would you mind going out for a sec?" he asked.  
  
"Fine." she said.  
  
Hermione opened the compartment door and slammed it hard. Apparently she was mad.  
  
"Oh so I'm not a boy huh?" she said to herself when she was in the corridor. "Wait a sec. I'm not. HAHA."  
  
Her laugh sounded exactly like that of an empty headed blonde's with the IQ of a sponge.  
  
"Harry, I was patrolling down the corridor when I slammed into an open compartment door, not knowing that it was a compartment door I had slammed into, I apologized to it. Then I heard a girl laughing her head off, she came up to me and asked me if I was OK. I said that I'd live, and then, she kissed me on the cheek." Ron said in a fluster.  
  
"Who was she?" I asked.  
  
"It was Padma Patil. Parvati's twin sister." he said, sounding stunned.  
  
"Oh, she likes you now does she?" I said.  
  
"I guess so," said Ron, "and she even asked me out tomorrow. I told her I'd think about it."  
  
"Do you like her?" asked I  
  
"No. I uh. umm. like. uh. Hermione." he said quietly.  
  
"I already knew that, but-" Ron cut me off before I could finish.  
  
"You knew?" he said shocked (A/N they got shocked so many times and I bet you're getting tired of it. But guess wut? I dun care! MWAHAHAH! *achoo!*)  
  
"Of course I knew. Everybody knew." I said quite frankly.  
  
"But even I didn't know until last week!" he said in surprise.  
  
"You are soooo slow." I said pityingly.  
  
Ron didn't respond. *After a few minutes*  
  
"Waaa?" Ron said slowly and stupidly.  
  
I ignored him.  
  
Hermione came in after a while.  
  
"Where were you?" asked Ron, rather aggressively.  
  
"I was talking to Fred." she said shortly.  
  
"But wasn't he *busy*?" I asked with a grin.  
  
"Oh no, he had finished his *work* and was looking for me, than we had a little chat, that's all." she finished.  
  
Harry wanted more information, but seeing the look on Ron's face he knew that it wasn't the time to ask.  
  
"O, it was nothing important Ron." Hermione added, also seeing the look on his face.  
  
When the train finally reached Hogwarts, we grabbed our pets and went to the Great Hall. It looked as usual. You know candles a lit, enchanted roof to look like the night sky, pretty standard. Just read "Hogwarts a History" or better yet, just ask Hermione she'll tell you all you need to know.  
  
"Welcome all to another year of laughter, gossip, secrets and much much more." Dumbledor announced "I am delighted to tell you that we are going to introduce you to a new subject which is also my new hobby. Guess. You will never guess. It's Media Arts. YAY! I am not going to talk much about it now, but you will find out what it's about tomorrow. And now for the Sorting Ceremony:" Dumbledore finished.  
  
The hat on the stool started talking.  
  
"Many many odd years ago I was created, how do not ask. For I cannot tell you the right answer. I wasn't created like any of you. I had two mammas and two fatha's. But they did not happen to share their love and make me. They used magic, at which I was very disappointed. Why you ask? Because I wasn't an egg, and many of you that know me quite well know that my greatest wish is to be an egg. Well on I shall go with my song." The Hat then broke into a freestyle rap. "My four parents were the founders of this school, and they got along pretty goodly. Now they all had special things about them therefor creating houses for you midgets. The most ugliest shall not belong to this school. The most prettiest will be smart and not come to this school. The midgets in glasses, red hairs, and bushy hairs shall go to Gryffindor. Fat people, slimy haired people and blonde people shall belong to Slytherin. Other people are not as important and shall therefore be placed in Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw. Now I will wrap this up with a famous rap song by B-RAD FROM MALIBU! Representin' yall!" (A/N from Malibus Most Wanted, that movie rocks) "Shrink Shrink Blinkety Blink! Tryin'a make me think, making me wanna go up to my sink and VOMIT! cleaning it up with a COMET! Earth is my PLHANET! THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT!!!!!!!"  
  
The Sorting Hat finished it's incredibly unusual and disturbing rap. Thank God!  
  
(A/N this is the end of the first chapter. Please review and gimmy ideas, I have lots of them and there will be many more chapters to come. This is the summary: Harry hitting on Draco, Hermione with Ron, Neville and Luna, on and on it shall go. NOW REVIEW, thank you) 


	2. Snape's twin brother

Disclamer: This aint mine. Ok? Please don't sue me. Like OMG, seriously. lol. What was my point again???? Oh well, oh wait I remember.. THIS ISNT MINE !!!!!!!!!! DISS-CLAMER!!!!!!lol  
  
"The Dark Room"  
  
Chapter 2: Snape's twin brother  
  
When the sorting hat finished, the whole great hall was quiet, even Dumbledor was shocked. "Funny, usually people clap when I finish." said the hat. Every one started clapping but very quietly. "That was wack." said Ron. "Where do you get these words from?" asked I, "oh well I got this book called "A 2 Z hip hop dictionary"answerd Ron. So when the little midgets were put in their houses we ate our dinner. Ron was eating like a maniac as usuall, Hermione was talking to Nearly Headless Nick and I was looking for Malfoy. The minute I spotted him, the Spotted Dick appeared in my plate, talk about coincidinkydink. When Dumbledore got up after a while everything went quiet and I swear I heard a little drum roll. He told us to go to bed, and so we did. When we got to our common room Ron instead going to the guy's dorm room went to the girls dorm room, or so he tried, not on purpose of course but he just followed Hermione's scent and as soon as he put his leg up on the stair case he fell. Hermione laughed and thought that he was so sleepy that he didn't know where he was going, still being that air-head aint she? Well in the morning when I woke up I saw Ron sleeping with Hermione's picture next to him. I woke him up by spilling water on him. He was soooo mad he actually hit me on the face, but that was ok , I GOT TO USE MAKE UP! Well when we got down at the great hall for breakfast, Spotted Dick appeared in my plate once again. We got our timetables and I saw that I have Media Arts first period and so did Ron and Hermione. When I finished my Spotted Dick we left to find the classroom. When we got there I was so pleasantly surprised that we have that class with the Slytherin's, I screamed like a biatch inside me like "Oh ohh." Well we got into the classroom when our teacher walked in, and it was none other than Snape, the teacher I hated most. "Settle down class, settle down" he said. "I am here to teach you about Media Arts as a personal favour to Professor Dumbledork I mean Dumbledore. He would be teaching it but he is unable to and since I like arts I volunteered and plus I get my volunteer hours done so there. OK let's start. There are many forms of art and I shall teach you most of them, now the movie I am about to show you is about Leonardo DaVinci, he is an artist, a famous one at that." "What's that other movie?"Asked Seamus.  
  
"Stop being smart ,coz u know there aint no other tape" said Snape  
  
"Well.. Huh...look who got hold of A to Z hip hop dictionary. Phes , now he is acting all getto fabulous. That Wanker." Said Ron  
  
I just rolled my eyes.  
  
"Now here you go, just watch the frikkin movie and I shall step out for a sec" the movie starts  
  
Now I'm gonna be very descriptive so beware. There was a flash of a girl getting undressed. She got into a shower and started singing " Shake your ass, watch your self, shake your ass, show me what you're working for" all of a sudden a men appeared and got into the shower. Now for the shocking part. They showed the faces, it was Snape who was singing and Lupin who got into the shower. They started kissing. It was very disturbing. So I won't go on. All of a sudden Snape walked into the classroom and saw a shocking image. Well him self and Lupin. "Oh my. what you are seeing is not what I was gonna let you see. What I mean to say is that .um well this is also a form of art. and that is my twin brother and his lover. My brother has just sent me this so I would see in what kind of work he is involved in. I swear I don't watch that for my own amusement."  
  
"I told you there was a second movie" said Seamus  
  
"Just because of that I'm giving detention to you Mr. Finnigan"  
  
"Now if anyone says anything about my favourite porno movie I'm going to kill them personally or get my brother to come and visit you. MUWAHAHAHAHAHHA..NOW GET OUT!!!!  
  
"Well that was weird. Did you see how small his banana is?" asked Ron  
  
"Yeah, it was soooo small. I mean even mine is bigger."  
  
"I know I've seen it"  
  
"What?!!?!?!? WHEN!??!??"  
  
"Chillex my homey, I saw it one night when you were playing with it."  
  
"I wasn't playing with it."  
  
"Yes you were"  
  
"Well OK, so what. Princess Sophia gets lonely sometimes when she has no one to play with," ..............  
  
"Well that was a hell of a conv," said Ron  
  
With that the day ended , coz they went to sleep.  
  
(A/N that was it.... What u think I wanna know so review, more chapter on the way. Seriously im writing one now, well right after I finish this.hehehehe. see ya R& R NOW) 


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